My First “College” Experience with a Stutter

XL-twin sheets and pillow from home. Check. Box fan for un-airconditioned summer dorm. Check. Fresh green binder and favorite erasable pens. Check. Running shoes and enough fresh socks to last the week. Check. Full confidence about my speech... This box was not that easy to check...

In July 2022, I attended the Pre-College program at Brown University as a rising senior in high school. I was eager for this opportunity to take a college-level course about a topic I was passionate about: the American presidency and specifically how the power of the Executive has expanded over the years. It was a privilege to get a glimpse of the college experience, if only for a week.

I stayed in a dorm with three roommates and spent much of my time outside of class socializing with my peers and exploring the treasures of the campus and adjacent areas. While I was enthusiastic about the pre-college experience, I still maintained a sense of trepidation because of my stutter. What if I messed up? What if all these new people didn't like me? What if I stutter and embarrass myself in front of professors and classmates? What if they think my stutter is a reflection of my intelligence and ability to achieve? Though I was nervous, I realized I needed to harness my speech skills. I needed to have confidence in myself.

Even with first day nerves, I maintained my full breath and exaggeration strategies, both of which aided me greatly. When first meeting my roommates, along with students in my dorm and classes, I made sure to take a deep, pre-meditative full breath before my greeting. Knowing I would be talking extensively over the week, I placed intentional focus on my fluency throughout all my conversations. Self-monitoring my own fluency is essential and especially helpful when there is high demand on my speech, in both speed and quantity.

In class, I made sure to strategize and plan what I would say before I raised my hand, and once I was ready to speak, I took my long, full breath. As the professor called on me, I took a little pause before my speech so as to not rush the process- I gave myself the wait time I needed to prepare. In social situations, I implemented much of the same approach, along with navigating the timing of when and how to join a conversation and using a loud, clear voice so my friends could hear me. I also took the time to be alone to read and study in the libraries in the afternoon and take my runs throughout campus and town in the early evening. Making sure I had the time to refuel ensured I had the energy banked to maintain my fluency and maximize my week at school.

I was exceptionally proud of the fluency I achieved and maintained throughout the week, all while in a novel environment with brand-new people. I realized that my speech that week was about me, not what others thought of me.

I also came to understand that it did not really matter if I was fluent or not, especially at a program and school as diverse and inclusive as Brown. My friends, classmates, and professors were extremely supportive of me even when I messed up. I never felt pressure to fulfill a prescribed role of the perfect student or friend who could speak with fluent speech. I never felt pressure to impress anyone in order to be accepted into the school community. I could just be Stan and enjoy new friendships, adventures, and intellectual pursuits. My curiosity guided me, not anxiety about my speech.

This was a time to impress me, not others, with my fluency. My goal was to do well that week with my speech and do it just for me. And I accomplished my goal by being especially conscientious, mindful of my goals, and most importantly, kind to myself.

I share all of this to serve as a reminder and guidance for when it's your first day of school or camp or any other new experience. Even on an ordinary day, it is important to slow down, be mindful of your goals, and realize that no matter what you do and which strategies you use, you're doing it for yourself.

Written by Stan Craig